Ending toxic relationships – what are you going to do?
As codependents we often find ourselves yo-yoing between on and off relationships and saying we are done with relationships altogether. The fact we don’t trust our own judgement paired with a fear of making the wrong choice is often unbearable. So we either stay, react badly when leaving or are just not in control of ourselves. People have probably aired their concerns about your toxic relationship. Over sharing is a common trait of codependents and after all you said last time to friends, they may ask what you are going to do to end the toxic relationship.
A toxic relationship is when there is a lot of hostility in the relationship. Instead of growing together and respecting each other the relationship is hurtful and damages you and your partners sense of self. Belittling, humiliating and insult throwing are common. Ending toxic relationships is difficult for anyone, let alone a codependent. Their tendency to blame, manipulate and be a victim muddies the already dirty water.
The most important thing you can do is take some time out. When you are all caught up in hurt you cannot decide anything important, so take time out. This is best for you both and any partner will agree when they are calm. This time out is for you to gain control of yourself. A great way to find out if you are acting or reacting is to ask “if I was in sane mind would I choose this option? “. If the answer is no, you need to not do anything.
How much time do you need away from the situation? As long as you need. Ending relationships is hard, ending toxic relationships is hard. You do not need to decide right away, if you need time, take time. The core of being a recovering codependent is learning what you need and giving it to yourself. If you feel anxious, crazy, uncertain get space and decide when you are ready.
Bottom line is, you do not need a plan. You do not need to know the answers. You need to be, and that is all you need to do. When codependents try to end toxic relationships they often do it out of fear, anger, hatred, confusion, past experiences and god knows what else. Very seldom is it well thought out and without a victim mentality.
Be honest, it’s hard, it makes you squirm but that is a muscle we need to strengthen. The old saying the truth will set you free has a lot of power. It is fine to send a text or say “I don’t know what I want right now, and I need some space to find out”. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, it will be fine. Everything will be OK, you will be OK and they will be OK.
Trust that you will know the answer when the time is right, and until then just do what you need to to take care of yourself. If you’re not sure take more time out and think. Have I eaten enough today? Have I exercised? Have I finished my responsibilities? Take care of the little stuff, love yourself and be kind.
Most of all when considering or actually ending a toxic relationship be honest. Not for anyone else but for you. So you can be proud of yourself and grow. If it has gone too far, say it. If you feel attacked all the time, say it. Say you what you feel and speak your truth. It doesn’t have to be right, you can change your mind later. Everything is OK and everything will be OK.
You are stronger than you think, you have been through tougher times than this and this is why you are here. You can decide what you want when you are ready and until you can, get some space.