The codependent breakup is usually chaotic, hurtful, full of deceit and confusing. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone, I can only go by own experience and what I know from others. This time though I managed peace and honesty and it went something like this.
The argument….
The argument was yet another blast about something being wrong with me. This time I was a selfish cunt for saying I didn’t know whether I would be up for seeing his friend the next day. I had an awful lot on my plate and couldn’t stop crying as it was. I didn’t think I would be any good in such a sensitive situation. But I just got as far as saying “it depends how I feel”. Cue the angry voice that’s usually in a toxic relationship and him calling me a c$nt. After a few moments and trying to explain myself we both put the phone down, unable to see each others point…again. That was the start of the codependent breakup.
A healthy argument would have gone like this.
Babe, I’m going to XXX tomorrow, do you want to come?
Babe, I’ve got a lot going on at the moment and don’t want to be crying about menial stuff when they’ve got this going on.
Babe, it’s my best friends wife, I really need you there, I don’t think I can do it on my own.
Babe, I’ll try of course I will, but I can’t guarantee that I can go.
OK, is there anything I can do to help?
Yes. xxx and xxxx, thank you.
OK, I love you.
I love you more.
But it didn’t go like that, because I am sick of him being vile and he feels I’m not there for him.
I text twice, no response. Then came the 24 hour punishment of ignoring me then, then turning it around because he was indeed very busy, and I should have called or text more. He was really looking forward to hearing from me but no, I was ignoring HIM.
In the 24 hour period I was being ignored, my head was a mess. The last venomous words he spat were “you selfish cu&nt”. Probably because I am so shame based, I took this hard. So hard, I ended up going back into my codependent ways. Ringing 5 trusted friends, explaining the situation and making them tell me if they too thought I was a selfish c%nt. It turns out they didn’t really think I was, and they made me answer the question “do I think that I am a selfish c%nt” so I went and worked that out.
I spent an hour writing down all the reasons why I wasn’t a selfish c%nt. That was my breakthrough, that was when I realised that I had let someones words get to me so much I was questioning who I was. I have got a lot of support for codependents issues and done a lot of work on myself and it has taken me an awful long time to like who I am. I am not selfish at all, my decision to say I’m not sure was out of love for everyone.
I couldn’t bear even to have any conversation with him, I was tired of all the mess. When he rang the next day and I answered he was fine asking how my day was and telling me about his. I have a temper, we all do, but I had to really bite my lip from the tirade that was running around my head. Sentences such as “are you fucking mad, you just went mental and called me a selfish c*nt, and now you’ve done you’re OK you want to leave it?” ( I did end up texting it) flew around, a lot. But there are two people in any argument and my angry two pence wasn’t coming out so he could throw it back in my face and justify his behaviour.
Phone got put down again. Confusion ensued.
I had however noticed the pattern and cycle of our arguments. There were a few main points. First, he jabs and jabs then I react ( so really it ends up being my fault anyway) and second, there really is no apology and no working out of the problems. It’s never his fault and I greedily apologise for everything. I make excuses for his behaviour so he doesn’t even need to. I am so understanding that I can understand the insane.
So as i sat there on my huge pile of red flags that I had brushed under the rug I began to write stuff down. He says he loves me, OK, so how does he show this and why am I always confused about if he does or not? So I got a sheet of paper, divided into half. On one side what he says and the other what he does. The confusion began to turn to clarity. I wasn’t mad there was a list as long as my arm about what he said and how his behaviour doesn’t reflect that. He hates the way my kids talk to me when they disrespect me – calls me a c%nt. Don’t get me wrong there was good stuff, loads of good stuff, but far too much bad and far too much confusion.
Everything is conditional – I am slowly realising that everything was conditional and my fault. If the kids were not messy, he would come around, if I hadn’t have cried when I did, there would be no argument.
This time I stuck to my truth. He was wrong, I wasn’t selfish. He was wrong in flying off the handle before he got the facts. I made sure I didn’t argue and that left the responsibility with him. If we were to have argued again I could have seen my awful behaviour and taken responsibility for my bad behaviour and his too. By the time he actually managed to say sorry, it was to blame his reactions on his emotions. Making him still not responsible.
Any mofo who has done their work knows that you have to take responsibility for the shit that is yours. Then you can change how you react and maybe even learn to act. Until that time you will always be someone else’s bitch or get blown about by every wind, however you choose to see it. As a codependent I know I am more liable that others to escape the truth and bullshit my way out of the situation but this shit is definitely his
I knew we had to break up because I didn’t like what he was bringing into my life. That’s progress because even though I love him and when it’s good it’s great, the downs are very down.
On the flip side I have just realised I did exactly what he does and blamed the whole lot on him, grrrrr…..
As a wise old woman once said, fuck this I’m getting a coffee