What I learned from the last codependent relationship
After the final argument we parted ways, it took a bit more anger and viciousness but I did go no contact. I learned so much through that relationship. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to finally realise that not all people are as they portray themselves. Not everybody deserves all of you. That’s special and for those who have earned it. So this post is about what I have learned from my last codependent relationship and how I realised I needed to change.
- To look out for behaviour. Does what’s being said match behaviour? This one will stick with me forever. Think about the person you are with or going to be with, do they do what they say? Are they renowned for letting people down? Are they claiming they love you but behaving like they wouldn’t save you from drowning? If someone says they want to be with you all the time, but won’t come over to see you it’s a massive red flag. Cut and run while you still can.
- That If a person is nice to you but mean to others, they are not nice. It is hard because as codependents we tend to believe the best. We can excuse it as a one off, bad day, bad time. But that is another person showing you what they are like. Listen very carefully.
- I will not make excuses for others behaviour. After an argument I would think of ways to make it OK. Oh you were probably tired, you’ve got a lot on, I did speak in the wrong tone, etc. My excusing of behaviour was so ground in he didn’t need to make any, I did very well on my own. At some point during this relationship I realised how much I excuse peoples behaviour, including the children’s. By doing this I am taking away their learning. I am rescuing.
- When people lie, you know. That person can’t lie on their own. Another person has to agree for it to be a lie. I am going to stop agreeing to things I do not believe. This also is a factor in codependent friendships and family relations.
- That some people love drama and will do whatever to create it. Some people take pleasure in poking and watching this drama unfold. Some people need drama and the highs and lows that come with it. Constantly looking to create drama to fill their need, addicted if you like. I have also noticed I do this to a lesser extent, but I am evaluating why I say/text what I do.
- I attract narcissists. My super nice, bubbly, persona is a magnet to them. I am so nice I will excuse their behaviour. Narcissists need people who excuse their bad behaviour. They feed on praise. Not everyone deserves all of me, and those who do have earned it. I will not give praise or make it OK for anyone to be bad
- There are very bad people out there. Not everyone is nice. I have lost my naivety. I no longer trust at first sight and I appreciate the value of “getting to know you”. I can no longer excuse behaviour and I will make you take responsibility of what is yours. I will only be responsible for my behaviour and I will learn to own that fully. Without ducking out of the way because it is uncomfortable.
Without realising it, I have just made loads of boundaries.
I learned loads from my last codependent relationship, no one can take that away, I earned that.