15 Dec 2016

Learning how to love yourself

by | posted in: Boundaries, Codependent, Growth, Neglect, Red flags, Safety | 0

Learning how to love yourself is something codependents and love addicts get stuck on, repeatedly.

 

 

Codependent journeys Learning how to love yourself image

I get asked how people can start loving themselves regularly. All the therapists say it, all good friends say it, but how do we do it? Codependents generally have an unfortunate history. We didn’t just acquire the symptoms we learned them. We learned them from a childhood that usually involves abandonment, neglect and possibly other abuse. This means we don’t have a healthy baseline of what love is, or how to love yourself. I for one have been told that I need to love myself, then growled as I fought my imaginary corner.” But I do” I would plead and reel off a list of stuff I do to love myself (the usual defensiveness that comes with the label). Then I would walk straight into a relationship that wasn’t healthy and reel off a list of what they did to love me. Which again was rose tinted and missed all the bits which showed they didn’t.

When you are a codependent or love addict and self neglect, you have a very warped idea of love. To you, love is what you do when you find someone new. Before they either start being vile or getting on your nerves. Thinking about them all the time (obsessing), doing whatever they want (manipulative), not saying when something is afoot (avoidance). This to us is love. This is where we feel safe, this is what we know. Learning how to love yourself is a habit and a muscle that needs to be flexed about 30 times a day.

Why learn to love yourself? So you have a baseline, so you can tell if another person loves you. So that when someone makes you feel bad you can identify that is not love and walk away.That’s fine but where do you start?

  1. The basics are the most important. Are you eating properly? If neglect is in your history chances are, you are not. Us humans need to eat three times a day. Regular healthy meals with some treats thrown in. Stuffing hunks of chocolate in your face is not loving. That’s stuffing and using chocolate to make you feel better is not going to make you feel better after is has reached your stomach. Nobody has ever sat there with a stretched tummy full of chocolate and said “I feel great, lets go fight the world”. On the same hand not eating til the afternoon is no good either, no wonder you are feeling fragile and anxious. Eating is about pattern and routine, forever. No diets, no shakes, just normal clean food that matches your calories for height and gender.
  2. Water is to the body what oil is to a car. And just like when the oil light comes on you’ve already damaged the car, when you are thirsty, you are dehydrated. Thirst is an emergency response. Your body has to be very low to send the thirsty signal. Drink before you are thirsty. Check here for the newest guidelines and effects of dehydration. Sleep? Just as important. When you have these three licked you have a really good foundation to start the other stuff. Learning how to love yourself is hard work at first.
  3. Treat yourself like a four year old. That is how precious you are and always will be. Would we tell a four year old that it is fine to go chase their alcoholic father into the night? Would you tell them to stay and listen to another person who is being mean? When you are just starting to love yourself that is how you have to look at where you are placing yourself. Is this situation good for a child to be in? If the answer is no, it’s highly likely that it is no good for an adult either (obviously with “adult time” and such activities barred from this generalisation).
  4. Be kind to yourself. It is no good being tough on yourself. You have to stick up for yourself by being your own best friend. Would you call your best friend a thicko if they forgot to take the bins out? Likely no, or you probably don’t have a best friend! Would you go into a tirade about how they forget everything and this is just one more thing they can’t get right, again, no. So stop doing it to yourself. You don’t get happiness, food or money from talking to yourself like crap, so stop it. It doesn’t serve you. As soon as you know you are doing it, stop. Counteract each negative thing with a positive. Yes I forgot that but I remembered such and such. Being kind to yourself is loving and a huge step in learning how to love yourself.
  5. Evaluate before acting. This is by far the hardest thing I have learned. Not everything deserves a reaction, in fact very little deserves a reaction, basically just life or death situations. That really is it. I spent my whole life reacting but didn’t realise that was what I was doing. As melody Beattie said in her book “don’t be blown about by every breeze”. I was, and every thing that came into my life left me emotional. Aunt Peggie’s cat dies and I couldn’t haul my ass out of bed for a week. I was consumed by emotion about everything, apart from what mattered. Eventually you will get to a place where you feel. You will feel hurt, angry, embarrassed, shame and more but you will just feel it. You will recognise it and think oh, that’s a pretty strong reaction I should go work out who’s shit that is and if I need to act on it.
  6. Put the effort in. Make the effort to start the journey towards loving yourself. Boo hoo you’ve had a crap life, join the queue. Boo hoo nothing goes right and people take advantage. Boo hoo it gets really hard. Regardless of anything you need to put the effort in. Dogs give up, fleas give up (see learned helplessness) we are humans. We kick ass, we do unimaginable things like go to the moon and run businesses. It’s hard sometimes, but not forever. It may feel like it, but it has ups and downs. Learn something, help someone, exercise. You are all that matters, happy people give, succeed and help, the world needs people that put effort in. Then they can teach others how to love themselves.

Now you know how to love yourself you can you can begin your journey. Everyday, little by little you are making your baseline for how others treat you. And you know what? You will slowly begin to see and feel those who do not do this. When you are being kind to yourself you will not put up with others being mean to you. Why should you? It takes effort to do this stuff and if you’re putting effort in, so should everyone around you.

With a bit of playing around these could also be boundaries, worth a thought. When you see people doing the opposite they also serve as red flags.

Think you’ve gained some value, learned something or got something to say?

Leave a comment!

Real support for codependents.

 

7 Dec 2016

The last codependent relationship

by | posted in: Attraction, Boundaries, Codependent, Compulsive behaviour, Controlling behaviour, Growth, Red flags | 1

What I learned from the last codependent relationship

After the final argument we parted ways, it took a bit more anger and viciousness but I did go no contact. I learned so much through that relationship. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to finally realise that not all people are as they portray themselves. Not everybody deserves all of you. That’s special and for those who have earned it. So this post is about what I have learned from my last codependent relationship and how I realised I needed to change.

  1. To look out for behaviour. Does what’s being said match behaviour? This one will stick with me forever. Think about the person you are with or going to be with, do they do what they say? Are they renowned for letting people down? Are they claiming they love you but behaving like they wouldn’t save you from drowning? If someone says they want to be with you all the time, but won’t come over to see you it’s a massive red flag. Cut and run while you still can.
  2. That If a person is nice to you but mean to others, they are not nice. It is hard because as codependents we tend to believe the best. We can excuse it as a one off, bad day, bad time. But that is another person showing you what they are like. Listen very carefully.
  3. I will not make excuses for others behaviour. After an argument I would think of ways to make it OK. Oh you were probably tired, you’ve got a lot on, I did speak in the wrong tone, etc. My excusing of behaviour was so ground in he didn’t need to make any, I did very well on my own. At some point during this relationship I realised how much I excuse peoples behaviour, including the children’s. By doing this I am taking away their learning. I am rescuing.
  4. When people lie, you know. That person can’t lie on their own. Another person has to agree for it to be a lie. I am going to stop agreeing to things I do not believe. This also is a factor in codependent friendships and family relations.
  5. That some people love drama and will do whatever to create it. Some people take pleasure in poking and watching this drama unfold. Some people need drama and the highs and lows that come with it. Constantly looking to create drama to fill their need, addicted if you like. I have also noticed I do this to a lesser extent, but I am evaluating why I say/text what I do.
  6. I attract narcissists. My super nice, bubbly, persona is a magnet to them. I am so nice I will excuse their behaviour. Narcissists need people who excuse their bad behaviour. They feed on praise. Not everyone deserves all of me, and those who do have earned it. I will not give praise or make it OK for anyone to be bad
  7. There are very bad people out there. Not everyone is nice. I have lost my naivety. I no longer trust at first sight and I appreciate the value of “getting to know you”.  I can no longer excuse behaviour and I will make you take responsibility of what is yours. I will only be responsible for my behaviour and I will learn to own that fully. Without ducking out of the way because it is uncomfortable.

Without realising it, I have just made loads of boundaries.

 

I learned loads from my last codependent relationship, no one can take that away, I earned that.

6 Nov 2016

The codependent breakup

by | posted in: Abuse, Codependent, Red flags, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 0

The codependent breakup is usually chaotic, hurtful, full of deceit and confusing. I don’t know if it’s like that for everyone, I can only go by own experience and what I know from others. This time though I managed peace and honesty and it went something like this.

The argument….

The argument was yet another blast about something being wrong with me. This time I was a selfish cunt for saying I didn’t know whether I would be up for seeing his friend the next day. I had an awful lot on my plate and couldn’t stop crying as it was. I didn’t think I would be any good in such a sensitive situation. But I just got as far as saying “it depends how I feel”. Cue the angry voice that’s usually in a toxic relationship and him calling me a c$nt. After a few moments and trying to explain myself we both put the phone down, unable to see each others point…again. That was the start of the codependent breakup.

 

A healthy argument would have gone like this.

Babe, I’m going to XXX tomorrow, do you want to come?

Babe, I’ve got a lot going on at the moment and don’t want to be crying about menial stuff when they’ve got this going on.

Babe, it’s my best friends wife, I really need you there, I don’t think I can do it on my own.

Babe, I’ll try of course I will, but I can’t guarantee that I can go.

OK, is there anything I can do to help?

Yes. xxx and xxxx, thank you.

OK, I love you.

I love you more.

But it didn’t go like that, because I am sick of him being vile and he feels I’m not there for him.

I text twice, no response. Then came the 24 hour punishment of ignoring me then, then turning it around because he was indeed very busy, and I should have called or text more. He was really looking forward to hearing from me but no, I was ignoring HIM.

In the 24 hour period I was being ignored, my head was a mess. The last venomous words he spat were “you selfish cu&nt”. Probably because I am so shame based, I took this hard. So hard, I ended up going back into my codependent ways. Ringing 5 trusted friends, explaining the situation and making them tell me if they too thought I was a selfish c%nt. It turns out they didn’t really think I was, and they made me answer the question “do I think that I am a selfish c%nt” so I went and worked that out.

I spent an hour writing down all the reasons why I wasn’t a selfish c%nt. That was my breakthrough, that was when I realised that I had let someones words get to me so much I was questioning who I was. I have got a lot of support for codependents issues and done a lot of work on myself and it has taken me an awful long time to like who I am. I am not selfish at all, my decision to say I’m not sure was out of love for everyone.

I couldn’t bear even to have any conversation with him, I was tired of all the mess. When he rang the next day and I answered he was fine asking how my day was and telling me about his. I have a temper, we all do, but I had to really bite my lip from the tirade that was running around my head. Sentences such as “are you fucking mad, you just went mental and called me a selfish c*nt, and now you’ve done you’re OK you want to leave it?” ( I did end up texting it) flew around, a lot. But there are two people in any argument and my angry two pence wasn’t coming out so he could throw it back in my face and justify his behaviour.

Phone got put down again. Confusion ensued.

I had however noticed the pattern and cycle of our arguments. There were a few main points. First, he jabs and jabs then I react ( so really it ends up being my fault anyway) and second, there really is no apology and no working out of the problems. It’s never his fault and I greedily apologise for everything. I make excuses for his behaviour so he doesn’t even need to. I am so understanding that I can understand the insane.

So as i sat there on my huge pile of red flags that I had brushed under the rug I began to write stuff down. He says he loves me, OK, so how does he show this and why am I always confused about if he does or not? So I got a sheet of paper, divided into half. On one side what he says and the other what he does. The confusion began to turn to clarity. I wasn’t mad there was a list as long as my arm about what he said and how his behaviour doesn’t reflect that. He hates the way my kids talk to me when they disrespect me – calls me a c%nt. Don’t get me wrong there was good stuff, loads of good stuff, but far too much bad and far too much confusion.

Everything is conditional – I am slowly realising that everything was conditional and my fault. If the kids were not messy, he would come around, if I hadn’t have cried when I did, there would be no argument.

This time I stuck to my truth. He was wrong, I wasn’t selfish. He was wrong in flying off the handle before he got the facts. I made sure I didn’t argue and that left the responsibility with him. If we were to have argued again I could have seen my awful behaviour and taken responsibility for my bad behaviour and his too. By the time he actually managed to say sorry, it was to blame his reactions on his emotions. Making him still not responsible.

Any mofo who has done their work knows that you have to take responsibility for the shit that is yours. Then you can change how you react and maybe even learn to act. Until that time you will always be someone else’s bitch or get blown about by every wind, however you choose to see it. As a codependent I know I am more liable that others to escape the truth and bullshit my way out of the situation but this shit is definitely his

I knew we had to break up because I didn’t like what he was bringing into my life. That’s progress because even though I love him and when it’s good it’s great, the downs are very down.

On the flip side I have just realised I did exactly what he does and blamed the whole lot on him, grrrrr…..

As a wise old woman once said, fuck this I’m getting a coffee

 

 

 

24 Aug 2016

7 Steps To End Codependency In A Relationship

by | posted in: Attraction, Boundaries, Codependent, Impulsive behaviour, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 0

Just realised you’re in a codependent relationship? Try these 7 steps to end codependency in a relationship before you throw the towel in.

Being codependent isn’t always doom and gloom, don’t get me wrong, when the crazy strikes it’s awful. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you’ve just found yourself in a codependent relationship does not mean you have to walk. You can work it out, you can have a healthy relationship. You can be happy together!

Toxic relationships, addictive relationships and all other shitty relationships you can get involve two people. When you both know that you love each other to the moon and back but the arguing, spiteful actions and tit for tat behaviour is tearing you apart, it’s time to change. Most people find stuff like this when it really is make or break. That’s great, you’re now at the point where the relationship is causing so much pain it will force you both to change.

  1. Check you are experiencing a codependent relationship. When a codependent relationship is at its worst both parties blame. This leaves you in a state of confusion because nothing is your fault, everything is just a reaction. Everyone is acting from their damaged sides, no one is rational and no one takes responsibility. A relationship with a narcissist is totally different. Never try to fix a relationship with a narc!
  2. Agree you BOTH want to end the codependency in the relationship. First and foremost, you both need to agree that you are both wrong.There are things you both do that are not cool. Blame, shame, hold a grudge and play the victim? You each go away and work out what you are doing to keep this toxic relationship alive. Take responsibility for your part and then  you can change it.
  3. Agree you BOTH need to change.  And agree it’s going to take you both effort. You have to both want it the same, or it just wont work. There is no point Brian doing 95% of the change and Wendy doing 5% you have to meet 100% in the middle. Brian, step up and respect yourself, if Wendy can’t be assed, walk away. Wendy, too much water under the bridge? Step up and respect yourself…walk away.
  4. Draw a line under everything. Literally everything, every crap thing you’ve both done, every nasty thing you’ve said. When in victim mode we have a tendency to say “you’ve done blah, blah, blah”, “I can’t believe you blah, blah, blah”. We totally forget that we said “why don’t you just piss off and live with Eric then”. In our heads, we are not to blame, but actually you cannot argue on your own. That is a fact. You have to both solemnly swear to bury the whole turd and not leave the tip hanging out of the ground (you don’t want to trip up on it).
  5. Set out some boundaries. What are deal breakers? What are the things you actually cannot cope with? Each of you need to set your own boundaries. This is the perfect time to grow together and knowing your boundaries and your partners will help you both to keep them. If the other person realises they’re treading on boundaries or one of you is being weak figure out why.
  6. Talk, talk, talk. Change can be really hard, for everybody. Us codependents really love control and no surprises. When the other person does something they’ve said they won’t, pull them up and then forgive. Talk about it and put your heads together. How can you reduce this for next time? How can you change your reaction? Are you being reasonable? Then move on.
  7. Enjoy your new healthy relationship. Having a relationship that was codependent turn into a healthy one is amazing. You have both seen the most awful behaviour from each other, torn each other apart on more than one occasion. Yet here you are with a person who accepts that you can be vile, accepts all your flaws, and still loves you. That doesn’t mean they love that part of you, or that you do. But there is a freeing closeness that comes from having someone see the horrible person you can be, but trusting you don’t want to be like that.

Always be kind and always forgive, if you can’t it’s time to move on.