30 Jun 2016

That’s not my shit….

by | posted in: Abuse, Boundaries, Child abuse, Codependent, Neglect, Safety | 0

Want a big shift in thinking? Sort out what shit is yours.

This was a massive ground breaking shift in my thinking and recovery. I sat there and really thought about being a baby. At one stage, I was a tiny newborn baby. A baby cannot be bad. It simply can’t. I had walked around for my whole life with a feeling, deep inside that I was bad. I was so convinced I was bad at the core I would go over and above anything to try and counteract it. Codependents are fixers and pleasers and for me, it was trying to fix as a way to feel valued and do good so I felt better.
Need a lift 5 miles away? Pick me.
My last bit of washing powder? Sure!
You’ve got a date and need a babysitter? Gladly, don’t worry…and I’ll cook them dinner too!

The list was endless, I helped everyone. The feeling subsided for a bit (while I was doing the good thing) but it just seemed I was so bad, so rotten inside it just came back.
So there I was. Probably after one of my many heart breaking relationship terminations. Really thinking about what exactly I had done to make me such a bad person. So I sat down and wrote out every single thing I said about myself. Thick, slag, ugly, not good enough the list was endless, I cried ( I would never say these about my worst enemy). So where had this come from?

For sure I could determine I was born good. I have three kids and fully believe we are born good. Babies are gorgeous and innocent and perfect and I was too.

Right, so what happened next?

OK..parents split. Not news, did it when I was 7. Having a degree in Psychology means I KNOW this does have implications on kids, and adults. There is a possibility that as a child I adopted (without knowing) the thought that if I was special, he would have stayed.

Absent father…nut job mother. I thought I had the best mum in the world. All my mates would say how lucky I am. None of my friends mums would let them bring 23yr old men home at 13!!! They all had to explain where they were when they stayed out, they had to go to school. Lucky me!!! What this did was let me know my worth, it is just a different form of abuse.

Rolling on twenty years later…the things people had said and done to me. All sorts, every name under the sun. Some got brushed under the carpet and forgotten about some I still carried around.

So I thought, who’s is this shit? That’s not my shit, for sure, that’s not my shit. I’ve done nothing bad, I was a pickle, probably a bit mean in school, a bit roughty toughty but nothing drastic.

The parents…not my shit. That was definitely their shit. They fucked up, they could’ve handled things much better if only they had known. The older men preying on a vulnerable girl, not my shit. I took it to mean I was a slut, I must look like a slut otherwise why would they prey on me? But it didn’t mean that, that was their shit. Their behaviour, their reasons and guess what? Not my shit.

The violent men who said I was only ever good enough for a fuck. Guess what? Not my shit either, their shit. They needed me to think that because they felt like shit, so there was big shit mess instead of them getting help.

I went through the whole lot, every thing. And you know what? Most of it wasn’t my shit. Yet here I was a big bag of shit, hating myself because every mean person gave me their shit. And I took it, ate it all up like a hungry shit eating insect. Thinking through every mean thing I thought/felt about myself and deciding where it came from was probably the best thing I have ever done. I wasn’t interested why they did/said whatever. It was purely taking ownership of what was mine. I gave it back, I said that’s not mine and that’s not fair and I will not let anybody smear their shit around my soul again. With practice and patience you can tell when someone is giving your their shit, you do not have to eat it. You can say “thanks poppet, I can’t carry your shit around, it’s not yours either, You can stop carrying this shit around too”

Brings new meaning to the phrase “I’m not taking your shit”

So what if it is your shit? When it is your shit, apologise “I’m sorry for giving you that shit, I hope you didn’t carry it around”

Claire in year 9, we had a fight. I gave you my shit. I’m sorry, it was mine. If you carried it around…give it back x

Practice….”that sir/madame is not my shit”

If you need help get in touch for a 1-1 appointment.

 

 

21 Jun 2016

Co-dependents and drinking

by | posted in: Addiction, Alcohol, Codependent, Drinking, Impulsive behaviour | 0

Co-dependents drinking is a huge black hole.

Addicts are impulsive..fact. Doesn’t matter whether you are an alcoholic, drug addict, co-dependent or any other addict you can think of. We are impulsive. We think little, often have to say sorry and explain our behaviour when actually there is no explanation we just didn’t think.

It is common for alcoholics to finally seek help, only to realise that they are in fact co-dependent. Their constant feeling of inner turmoil surrounding their thoughts, feelings and subsequently behaviours led them to seek solace in drink. If you think this sounds a bit off beat, try being in a co-dependents body when turmoil strikes, it’s horrible.

Luckily for me I realised I had the propensity to develop a drink problem and alarm bells went off when I started to want a drink at three in the afternoon. That was the call for me to lay off the drink, I would ease up a bit and that was my cycle…I was in control. (but obviously not)

From what I understand the term Co-dependent was coined as a label for the partners of alcoholics and drug addicts. With the birth of Alcoholics Anonymous there came a sudden realisation that the people who loved these people also had an addictive disorder. Constantly in turmoil with the on/off life of an addict the co-dependents calm and control is only when their partners are calm and in control. If they are an addict, this happens very rarely.

So, drink is in fact, for a co-dependent an incredibly easy to access way to calm the crazy. It’s cheap, easy and legal. That is literally how easy it is. Having a tough time time coping with this weeks turmoil? Get a drink, you just need some help to cope with this situation, you know it wont last, it never does (that’s the ups and downs). But drink does more than help you calm the weeks crazy. You cry easier, it helps the pain, you reach out more than you would, you reach out less than you would straight. Who cares, it’ll all be better in the morning. The washing can wait, the cleaning can wait and invoicing and contacting your boss can definitely wait until you’re in a better place….tomorrow.

The worst thing is, you don’t realise that’s addiction. You’re going along, seeing through the ups and downs of life with a drink. I like to define addiction as a lack of choice. If it is a knee jerk reaction to drink, it is not a choice. If it is helping anything, it is not a choice it is a medicine. In the turmoil of co-dependence you think it is a choice, it is not. If you think for a minute and say out loud “i am never going to drink again” and you feel worried about how you’ll cope without it, or get anxious it is a pretty sure sign it’s not a choice, it’s a need.

It sneaks up and bites you in the ass. As with any addiction if you feed it, it will grow. Co-dependents are so focused on the other person there is little room to think about their problems and how their drinking has gotten out of hand. For the co-dependents who are shacked up with alcoholics it’s even worse, the comparative approach kicks in. They have a problem and they drink this amount..every day. So you definitely don’t because you only drink this much, and not every day and only when they kick off, or are unhappy and you’re just riding the storm, you don’t need it. Before you know it you’ve talked yourself into being fine – only drinking when the storm hits, or to fully get over the last storm. Up and down, up and down…..

Generally, if you are a codependent you will have impulsive tendencies, that may lead to or from alcohol. The impulsive behaviour means you’ll get the drink before the brain kicks in and questions why you’re doing it. Co-dependents fix the short term, they can’t see long term, short term “yeah fuck it, I’ve had a bad week” long term “thanks but I need take some time out and see why I am reacting this way”.  Short term “yeah” long term “actually it’s lunch time, I’ve got work in a bit”. What does matter is co-dependents drinking takes the choice and ability to cope. Numbing the shitty feeling is not feeling your feelings and giving yourself what you need.

 

Need more support? Get in touch for a one to one appointment now!

 

 

13 Jun 2016

Texts to send that can the crazy…

by | posted in: Codependent | 0

Every once in a while things can get a little heated between a couple, things may get said or done that hurt the other person. Put one or more codependents together and things can get ridiculously out of hand. There is no understanding of each other and every behaviour is perceived as blaming. No one takes responsibility and everyone is reacting to the last thing the other person said or did. When this situation arises, it really is best to say your piece and leave it until you are both calm and in control. This list of texts to send will admit your responsibility of your part, be honest and get you out of the chaos you are in.

1, I’m really sorry for hurting you. I am not in control of what I am saying or doing so right now and I need to cool off. I still love you and will get in touch when I am in a calm place.

Repeat until message is heard and understood. Reply only when you are in a good state of mind.

9 Jun 2016

How did it all get so vile? 1

by | posted in: Codependent, Red flags, Safety | 0

I’m not really sure, but I am sure. In true codependent style I am perplexed.

I’ve been in recovery for a while. I did the 12 steps, I spent 6 months in counselling and I let go of a toxic person when I needed to. So in my head i thought I was fixed, it is recovery and just like an alcoholic it’s forever. But still, in my head I thought I was fixed.

So…..I met someone 8 months ago.

I liked his business facebook page through an associate who did it for him. He friend requested me, I’m super friendly and bubbly and we got chatting.  After a day or so he said he liked what little he knew, and would like to get to know me better. My reply……”that’s fine but beware I can sniff out a cunt from 20 yards” – see!! Totally had that covered. I’m telling him I’m not a twat, I’m rock solid, do not fuck with me.

The first time I met him I wasn’t sure, he seemed nice ( a bit twitchy) but I didn’t know if I fancied him or not. I felt comfortable and the conversation flowed. I took him home and he invited me in for coffee. Remembering my boundaries and realising I wasn’t ready and that it wasn’t safe I said “fuck off, it’s a school night”. He laughed, leaned in for a kiss and I gave him my cheek.

He didn’t text too much, just at night time and never got needy. I came to look forward to his texts so the next week we had another date.  A meal this time, it was a lovely evening. We had got to know each other through texts so were more relaxed and we had fun. I dropped him home and he went to go inside. Annoyed he didn’t try to kiss me I said “oi, you’re supposed to kiss me”. And it was nice, I liked him.

A few days and many texts later we met up again, we were both near a local pub and it was near lunch time so met in there. He wasn’t pushy, he actually genuinely asked for nipples instead of nibbles at the bar and I pissed myself. The bar man cried with laughter, put his face in his hands and just kept shaking his head. We were getting closer in proximity but he was fine to wait, I felt unbelievably relaxed and naturally drawn to him.  We hugged, and it was literally the best hug I have ever had. He’s taller than me and much bigger and it was heaven. I felt safe and almost like I could feel his soul and it was good and clean and lovely. So that was that, after 2 glasses of wine and an hour or so wasted talking and laughing, we walked out.

And that was the first red flag I missed, I think…..lunchtime drinking on a weekday…really??

 

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