12 Jul 2016

Ending the toxic relationship

by | posted in: Boundaries, Codependent, Compulsive behaviour, Impulsive behaviour, Safety, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 3

Ending toxic relationships – what are you going to do?

As codependents we often find ourselves yo-yoing between on and off relationships and saying we are done with relationships altogether. The fact we don’t trust our own judgement paired with a fear of making the wrong choice is often unbearable. So we either stay, react badly when leaving or are just not in control of ourselves. People have probably aired their concerns about your toxic relationship. Over sharing is a common trait of codependents and after all you said last time to friends, they may ask what you are going to do to end the toxic relationship.

A toxic relationship is when there is a lot of hostility in the relationship. Instead of growing together and respecting each other the relationship is hurtful and damages you and your partners sense of self. Belittling, humiliating and insult throwing are common. Ending toxic relationships is difficult for anyone, let alone a codependent. Their tendency to blame, manipulate and be a victim muddies the already dirty water.

The most important thing you can do is take some time out. When you are all caught up in hurt you cannot decide anything important, so take time out. This is best for you both and any partner will agree when they are calm. This time out is for you to gain control of yourself. A great way to find out if you are acting or reacting is to ask “if I was in sane mind would I choose this option? “. If the answer is no, you need to not do anything.

How much time do you need away from the situation? As long as you need. Ending relationships is hard, ending toxic relationships is hard. You do not need to decide right away, if you need time, take time. The core of being a recovering codependent is learning what you need and giving it to yourself. If you feel anxious, crazy, uncertain get space and decide when you are ready.

Bottom line is, you do not need a plan. You do not need to know the answers. You need to be, and that is all you need to do. When codependents try to end toxic relationships they often do it out of fear, anger, hatred, confusion, past experiences and god knows what else. Very seldom is it well thought out and without a victim mentality.

Be honest, it’s hard, it makes you squirm but that is a muscle we need to strengthen. The old saying the truth will set you free has a lot of power. It is fine to send a text or say “I don’t know what I want right now, and I need some space to find out”. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, it will be fine. Everything will be OK, you will be OK and they will be OK.

Trust that you will know the answer when the time is right, and until then just do what you need to to take care of yourself. If you’re not sure take more time out and think. Have I eaten enough today? Have I exercised? Have I finished my responsibilities? Take care of the little stuff, love yourself and be kind.

Most of all when considering or actually ending a toxic relationship be honest. Not for anyone else but for you. So you can be proud of yourself and grow. If it has gone too far, say it. If you feel attacked all the time, say it. Say you what you feel and speak your truth. It doesn’t have to be right, you can change your mind later. Everything is OK and everything will be OK.

 

You are stronger than you think, you have been through tougher times than this and this is why you are here. You can decide what you want when you are ready and until you can, get some space.

 

 

 

10 Jul 2016

Homework for co-dependents

by | posted in: Attraction, Boundaries, Codependent, Growth, Homework, Toxic relationships | 0

Homework for Codependents – Is It Love Or Am I Just Thirsty?

If you are new to codependency, or know about it but haven’t been to a group or professional, this is the kind of thing you might do. Doing the homework for codependents is the bravest thing anyone can do. It’s about taking a really good hard look at what your codependent behaviours are how they keep you in the sickness. You give statements you believe are true, then facts that back it up. This is how you grow and change. The idea is that once you realise your patterns and understand why you do them, you can then challenge them and change them. It’s not just sexual relationships co-dependents have difficulties with it is all relationships.

Names have been blocked. This was my best friend from about 7-8 yrs old. We just got in touch few years ago and she’s bloody gorgeous and bloody brave to let her stuff be published..on the interweb. Fearless that is!!!!!

  • Someone liking me is enough for a relationship, even if I don’t particularity like that person. I found this with Sarah, she isn’t the type of person I would socialize with  and drove me mad when she wrote in my book. She asked my opinion on something and I felt accepted and didn’t want to get on the wrong side of her.
  • I tolerate being poorly treated so others don’t leave me. There was one thing Alison used to do that really wound me up over (it was over cooking). It used to make me so angry as it reminded me of my childhood and made me upset and shamed. I tried no to react as I didnt want us to fall out until eventually I told her how it made me feel and she apologised.
  • I tend to choose partners according to how I feel about myself. My company changes according to my tolerance level or topic of conversation. I was in a funny mood the other day and actually enjoyed Michelle’s company as I had the giggles and she was making me laugh. I was using her to mood alter and maintain that high.
  • Investment in changing the other person. I really wanted Stacey to change, deep down there was something lovable about her if only she would change. She was sometimes brilliant to talk to, witty and fun but oh my god I wasted so much time on her. It is a shame because I thought she would have been an asset in the house. She had a difficult side but also a quite “evil side”
  • I attract unhealthy people. (turned this around) I always have and still am. I have a few dotted around. I don’t encourage them they just gravitate towards me. Maybe it’s because I just listen to them because I haven’t got the heart to say I’m busy or be honest and say I really don’t want to speak to you.

The real clincher is the brutally honest approach you have to take with yourself. As soon as you really know your habits and manipulation techniques you can change them. This homework contribution shows the beginning of getting to know oneself. There’s an old saying that goes something like “with awareness comes change”. Writing this down on paper means acknowledging things, habits and ways of being that we can then change. We can look at our self, who we are and what we do and change what we do not like. That is where knowing our self and growing come from.

6 Jul 2016

What does it mean to be codependent?

by | posted in: Addiction, Codependent, Compulsive behaviour, Growth, Impulsive behaviour, Safety, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 0

It is such a huge complex condition it is hard to answer what it means to be codependent. But here goes..

Co-dpendency is a condition that affects a persons ability to have meaningful, satisfying, balanced healthy relationships. This can be relationships with spouses, parents, children or friends. Codependents often choose equally unhealthy, abusive and/or neglectful partners. Most of their relationships are marred by turmoil, emotional abuse and destruction. It is an addiction with a chaotic cycle of ups and downs, love and hate, pleasure and disappointment. It is also known as relationship addiction, however, people can be co-dependent and be so afraid of relationships they haven’t had one for years. It is a shame based disorder usually stemming from a dysfunctional family where shame, anger, lies and passive aggressive behaviour is commonplace. BUT this is not always the case there are many other factors that influence childhood. The list below goes someway to explaining what it can mean to be codependent and how people may be affected.

Co-dependents can be enablers – not usually purposely. Co-dependents do not see they are helping an addict carry on with addiction, they carry out behaviours that they see will rescue the person from their pain. Checking to see if the person is drinking, picking them up, giving them money to drink, lying for them and shouting at them for drinking is rescuing. Depending on what the co-dependent see’s as pain at the time, they will try to alleviate it. Because co-dependency is characterised by a loss of the self and always thinking of the other person, rarely themselves, this rescuing can have devastating effects. Picking up a person when they have been drinking, walking around in the early hours to check on the person, all behaviours that could lead to all sorts.

Co-dependents find letting go difficult – family and friends will often say they need to walk away from a particular situation. Often this is the hardest thing a co-dependent can do and often results in yo-yo behaviour before the cord is severed completely. Co-dependents are emotionally unstable and look to control and rescue constantly.  When the pain of a toxic relationship is so severe they have to leave or they find someone else it is common they head straight for another toxic relationship. If the person they are walking from is a loved family member or child the severing takes longer, is more painful and often they will never be sure they made the right decision.

Co-dependents are poor decision makers – Being in a world where you do not trust yourself is painful. Looking for clues and thinking things through to the depths of insanity is common. Co-dependents are sensitive and do not fair well with rejection, humiliation or any other feelings that could be interpreted as not being good enough. Avoiding these feelings by not answering questions and not being pinned down to a choice is another complicated symptom of their psychological turmoil. This is why relationships are hard to leave and one reason yo-yo ing occurs. Making sure it was the right decision.

Co-dependents are reactive – This can good or bad depending upon the situation. A child that hasn’t come home after school needs finding and the codependent helps, an immediate reaction and agreement to help. A parent has got themselves into a fix and needs a ride home. The reaction is immediate and the co-dependent will help. Co-dependents are bound by their word. Regardless of whether it is good for all, bad for anyone or a complete mixture, they will not back out. This means they have made the wrong decision so they will stick with it to avoid feeling stupid and shamed. Everything is an exhausting reaction, thinking before acting is a muscle that needs working and practice.

 Co-dependents are helpful to a fault –  always putting others first, to the detriment of them selves. This includes giving money that could be better used elsewhere, lifts to ungrateful people, decorating friends houses, babysitting, fixing cars for friends the list is endless. This behaviour means the codependent will be named an angel or savior by others. Usually the other people do not know the codependent does not want to do this. They reacted, said yes, can’t back out and are now determined to help at their expense. Possibly being passive aggressive, possibly waiting for their turn for a favour to come up.. but it doesn’t because co-dependents have difficulty asking for help.

Co-dependents can’t ask for help – Seen as a weakness the codependent really struggles with this seemingly simple notion. The world is on the codependents shoulders and they will not ask for help. They see doing everything themselves as strong and something to be proud of, but in fact asking for help is strength. Lost in the possible shame that may emerge from admitting you can’t do it alone and asking for help, they carry on putting up with it, mostly smiling. Being told in childhood that you should do something, or be able to do something leaves a person thinking they really should be able to manage anything on their own!

Co-dependents manipulate – Because they can’t say no, they lie. Not huge massive lies just little white ones “I’m busy” is easier than “no”. Because they hate seeing the pain of others they lie, “no you weren’t mentioned” – in the conversation with the boss regarding your constant lateness. Because you rescue, you lie. The reaction behaviour that took place was ill thought out and I can’t tell you I just picked them up when they should have walked home. So I just won’t tell you then I’m not lying.

Being a codependent means different things to different people. Every ones experiences are different and if you are or you know a codependent then these can help explain the turmoil. The important thing is identifying behaviours so that you can change them. This is by no means an extensive list, please read the other posts for a full and varied idea of what it means to be codependent.

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1 Jul 2016

Dancing in acid rain

by | posted in: Abuse, Codependent, Impulsive behaviour, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 0

 

Acid rain and the toxic relationship

I am there in a desert, a beautiful desert. It’s hot, sandy, bright and beautiful and I love it. I am laughing, joking and having the time of my life. In the middle of the desert it starts raining. It’s pretty and looks fun. It looks refreshing, cooling and grounding all at the same time.

I go over and dance in the rain. It does feel good, really good. Invigorating and cleansing. I’m having such fun I barely notice the odd drops of acid rain, I do notice, but they’re so tiny I don’t worry. The good rain soon washes it away and I’m having such a lovely time I won’t let it spoil it.

The longer I stay out there the more often the acid rain comes. Not all the time, and the good rain stays longer but it keeps getting on my skin and it’s starting to become sore. The good rain feels so good, I don’t want to miss out on it but dancing in acid rain is starting to hurt.

As I dance for longer and longer the acid rain is coming more frequently. It’s heavy now and I’m getting sore so I begin to rub it off. But my skin is red and starting to peel. I don’t understand, there is no warning it just comes, and then the good rain comes but even though the good rain comes my skin is still sore. It’s not so much fun now.

Dancing in this rain is making me tired and I’m not as happy. My skin is peeling and I am confused. The rain is coming harder and it’s mostly just acid now.

I’m trying to rub it off but my skin is coming off. I can see horrible red blood and tissue on my arms, my face is on fire where there is no skin left. It hurts and I’m crying, I’m looking up silently pleading for it to stop but it keeps coming. I look around and somehow it is all grey. The sky is angry and thick clouds are above me, there is no sun and I can’t believe I didn’t notice. I look up again, pleading for it to stop, my eyes filled with tears. I didn’t notice it had become this.

The pain is so bad now, and the rain is relentless I have to lay down. I cannot take this. I look around again and I see faces in the distance, they are kind, they will save me. My face and body are ugly and burned but they don’t mind.

They call me and beckon me and do not  give up until I get to them. They give me love and cream, I am safe again……