11 Aug 2016

How To Go No Contact With Ex

by | posted in: Addiction, Codependent, Compulsive behaviour, Controlling behaviour, Growth, Impulsive behaviour, Safety, Toxic relationships, Walking away | 0

Have you heard of it but not really sure how to go no contact with ex?

It’s probably one of the most used terms when researching toxic relationships, narc relationships and self neglect. Codependents are especially at risk of needed to go no contact. The term has been coined to mean exactly that. No contact. Not if you had a holiday planned in the next week, not if you go to hospital. To walk away and not look back until you and the ex partner are either more sane, but mostly it is in place for life.

I have seen a lot of articles on the internet showing how to go no contact with ex to get them back. An absolute favourite life coach of mine is Coach Corey. He is hilarious and bang on when it comes to men, women and relationships. He has an extremely successful YouTube channel because he is so good. He will often advise to go no contact with your ex in order to get them back, however…At no point will he ever suggest this if the ex is an asshole. If your ex causes you that much pain you cannot function properly it may be time to go no contact.

 

  1. Find out why you want to go no contact. Ask yourself really deep and meaningful questions to get tot the bottom of this. Write down the questions and answers. Are you doing it to teach them a lesson? Are you doing it to cause them pain? If any questions are answered in terms of hurting/blaming/shaming your ex, it may be wise to think things over again. The last thing anyone needs to be doing is causing someone unnecessary pain. If you are codependent then being in control of your actions is a muscle you need to flex. Thinking things over and then acting is a goal. If the answers as to why you are going no contact is solely down to the other person go ahead. Are you being pressured into it? Codependents gravitate towards other codependents. When meaningful friends and family pressure you to go no contact take a step back. It must be your decision and yours alone. Giving the reins to somebody else means you are not taking responsibility and you’re being pushed around. Probably the very reason you are going no contact!
  2. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for yours and their reaction. Going no contact with an ex is going to take determination. If you are reading this then you obviously need some support. Get that support ready, be it from friends or youtube videos. The ex you are going no contact with may be OK with it. They may also get incredibly crazy. If at any point you feel unsafe it is paramount you contact the relevant people, you have a right to feel safe! What are your patterns? Are you likely to break it and ring them? Get the support in place so you don’t do it.
  3. Take action. Delete and block on every social media platform. Block all phone apps and numbers, then delete. You won’t realise until you go no contact exactly how enmeshed they were in your life. Block all direct and indirect methods. No contact means no contact. No asking about them so they find out and try and call, no accidentally on purpose walking past their house. No facebook stalking to see if they have moved on…nothing! This is especially hard for codependents, regardless of the ex’s treatment, because the addiction to that person is so strong.
  4. Be strong. The first few hours are easy, the first day is easy. After that your beautiful mind will slowly start to forget the bad and enhance the good. Your mind may start to convince you that maybe it wasn’t the right decision. Codependents are notoriously bad decision makers so look back over your answers and questions. That is your evidence. As soon as you feel your mind starting to think wistfully, go back and read it again, then do something else. Breaking the no contact rule is like opening a scar again and again. The person is no good for you, they do not feed your soul. This is why you need to know how to go no contact with your ex. They destroy you that is why you are here going no contact.
  5. Start living again. Who were you before them? It is time to rebuild yourself. If you didn’t like who you were before you met them, you can change. This is an opportunity to be the best version of yourself. Wipe the slate clean. Go and try new things, meet new people. Heal yourself and work on yourself. The more nasty they were the longer it will take you to heal from it. Start healing now by being kind to yourself. If you find yourself in chaos then go back to your support and ask for support. We have a great page to quickly calm your chaos. It also helps to write things down so it easier to work it out.

How to go no contact with ex can be applied to anyone. Codependents have problems with relationships full stop. This could be friends, family or a partner. As the disorder starts in childhood it is unfortunately common to have to go no contact with a parent. Recovery from codependency, relationship addiction and self neglect relies on learning to put yourself first. This can be achieved by going no contact if it means putting yourself and your mental health first.

If you have anything to add that has helped you please write it in the comments below.

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26 Jul 2016

Co-dependent relationships

by | posted in: Addiction, Attraction, Codependent, Growth, Homework, Toxic relationships | 0

I have had two very serious relationships, both with co-dependents, because we all magnetise towards each other for some reason…. Any relationship before this time, didn’t last long because it never took me long to believe that I was mental and feel an overwhelming urge to get away, escape and desert the man that was making me feel this way. Always his fault.

My first serious relationship got past this stage because I was pregnant. (the stage still occurred, but I returned to him) It lasted for 10 years and by the end of it, neither of us recognised ourselves. Two children later we had ripped the very souls from each other. I can’t speak for him, I know, but I know he had 3 years of therapy to get back on his feet. When I left, my self-esteem was through the floor. I had no idea who I was or what I needed but I had two children to care for and there was no way I was letting them down. I could do this! I could find a healthy relationship if it killed me. I’d find them a better father figure and I’d be happy and proud and everything would be perfect and blah blah blah blah…… During my breakup, “a friend” got instantly closer to me. I had ‘saved him’ and he then felt it was his turn to ‘save me’. He was being openly mocked by a group of girls at the University we both attended.

He was trying too hard to gain the attention of one of them and when he left the room they would openly ridicule him in front of about 25 other students. I spoke up and told them that I wouldn’t tolerate bullying for whatever reason. I then told him what had been happening. He instantly became my friend and we got closer still when he told me he loved me during my break up. 3 years and a world full of drama, fear, abandonment, stalking, heartbreak and tears later, I found myself crying into my hands. I was putting all my effort into not hitting my head against a very real wall, in order to stop the nasty and vicious name calling and blame throwing that my own mind was subjecting me to. I spent 5 hours like that. 5 hours!!

Just sitting and trying to control my own confusing, hurtful thoughts. Then the scariest thought I have ever had, popped into my head. “I am not helping anyone by being around. All I do is cause more stress and pain for people. I need to end this. I need to go and let this all end now. Even my children will be better off without me. They have everything they need and all I do is bring them pain and suffering.” It was only a moment but everything stopped, my brain went clear, and I felt myself realise what had just happened, what I had just heard myself say. It was both the darkest and the brightest moment of my life. The darkest because I had actually got to a place in my life where I believed I was nothing and pointless. There was none of me left. Or so I thought….. almost as quickly as the dark moment occurred, a bright moment followed. “What?, what did you just say to yourself?” Somewhere from deep inside of me, a voice carried hope, but it was angry, furious even.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! You selfish bitch, there are people out there that love you, care for you and need you. How the hell do you think they are going to feel when they find out that you have abandoned them?! And your fucking kids! See their faces now! See them just as they are told that mummy couldn’t be fucking bothered to fight anymore so she ended her life and has abandoned you both!” Suddenly, I felt a surge of energy flow through me, angry with myself, yes, but determined once again. There was no way I was letting my kids down! This time though, was different. They didn’t need a better father figure, they had their dad and their relationship with him was none of my business. I only had to take care of my relationship with them, that was my business, mine to own. I had to be myself and be Mum, that’s it. I felt relieved. I had taken the pressure off of myself to be everything to everyone.

I had to stop saving others and save myself. What ensued was a 4 year single life journey through every emotion I think that is possible. I sorted a job, a home, a therapist to support me and I dealt with my past. MY stuff from the past. Nobody got into my trust circle bar 3 close females, 2 of which are openly co-dependent and a third who is a bit more covert. I did it! I fixed myself! I was happy, I was independent, brave, confident, relaxed and full of pride for how well I knew myself now. I had learnt my morals, my priorities, my likes and dislikes from the smallest thing upwards and I knew what I wanted from my life. My kids were proud of me too! The name calling hadn’t gone away completely but I’d managed to get it down to a quiet voice in the background and I made certain I corrected it whenever it did sneak in. “You’re a fucking moron” “NO brain, I am not, I have no fault here, I am doing my best with the circumstances as they are, I fucking rock!” (now I get why people talk to themselves!) I had all this but I was lonely NB: not alone….just lonely.

I wanted to share myself with another. So when I had a text to say that there were some hot guys in a bar, my friend worked at, and I should come down, I accepted. There were at least 5 red flags from that night that have been branded into my memory and at least 2 more, every time I have seen the guy I met, since. I am not fixed, I’m never going to be. I can only keep reminding myself to have space, take my time on decisions, especially the big ones and most of all, listen to my instinct, it’s my best friend. The man in question and I have been together for 1 year today and to be completely honest with you, it has not been pleasant at all in places. He’s also a co-dependent (surprise!), one that has not had the space and time I had, to get to know himself.

So everyday, I am counteracting my potentially diminishing self-esteem and need for some independence to keep clear, against his abandonment issues and fear of loosing me. But I am doing it! I am staying as positive as I can, I remove myself from any situation I don’t feel comfortable with, I am focussed on what I need from each exchange of information with him, and I refuse to make any decisions until I have had the space and time to think about it fully and decide what I need and want for me. It’s tough, but I accept now that I can only grow with each situation/relationship that I am involved in and I know with confidence that if it ever gets too aggressive or emotionally/mentally dominating, I’d be out of the door.

Being alone for that time and getting to know myself properly was really hard but it gave me the confidence to be independent within a relationship and I now know that I’m not scared to be alone or lonely. I did it before and I can do it again, no problem. I don’t need anyone or anything, I need me and I will always be the most important person to me from now on, because there are people who love me, care for me and enjoy me for who I am, and I need to look after myself to be able to enjoy them too. The truth of it is, none of us need another, not really, there is always someone out there ready to take their place.

Find the person who you WANT to be around, the one that makes you laugh, feel good about yourself, and leaves you feeling more energised when you are around them and never ever be scared to speak your truth, from the smallest of things, upwards. It sounds really silly but if you really don’t know if you want a tea or coffee, refuse to decide until you’ve had the space and time to consider it and come up with a concrete decision. Once you can make those small decisions for yourself, the bigger ones become easier because the groundwork has been done. Find the thing that will keep you going so that in your lowest times, you know how to pull yourself back. Never allow anyone to tell you who you are, what you want or need, or make decisions for you, and try not to do it to others either. Let them be themselves too. Give them that freedom. Anyone who has a problem with this is either, not really caring about you, or has some issues bigger than you going on inside them – in both situations…..let them go. Be strong enough to keep putting yourself first, always, until it becomes second nature. Then you will find that others respect this and people that truly care for you, will remain with you. Love and Light Always xx

This contribution was from Raven (pseudonym)

24 Jul 2016

Homework for co-dependents 2

by | posted in: Abuse, Child abuse, Codependent, Homework, Neglect | 0

Homework for Codependents – A Letter to Your Younger Self

 

Part of recovering from codependency and self neglect is homework. Codependents and love addicts often find that they are a product of a shameful and neglectful childhood. A feeling of not being worthy of love follows us around because as children we were not shown love. We learned that love was conditional and based on our behaviour. A letter to your younger self is homework for codependents who have admitted that their childhood was unhealthy.

Because of the tendency for codependents to paper over shit, make everything OK and rescue we rarely can say “that was crap”. So it can take a very long time for us to say it. We cannot stand the pain it would cause our parents – we know they don’t need that so we keep it. There is a possibility we are wrong – we can’t cope with the shame of being a liar so don’t mention it. The list of reasons to deny a crap childhood is endless. There is only one reason to stand up and say you were wronged as a child….you. That counts as sticking up for yourself and valuing yourself and guess what? We are crap at that too!!!

Codependents and those who self neglect were never taught the fundamentals of loving and looking after yourself. They were most probably not loved, or not loved in a healthy way. These are valuable lessons as a child and leads the path into self neglect. If our parents do not value us, we do not value us. It does unfortunately lead the most vulnerable people into toxic relationships

Dear little E, hello sweetheart.
I am just writing you a letter as there are some things I need to tel you. I was worried about you on friday. You looked so upset I just wanted to cuddle you so tight and tell you everything will we OK E. You have always been such a strong little girl.

You looked after Stephen so well. You protected him from what you saw and heard from your stepdad. E you had those mothering instincts and Stephen loves you so much for that. I watched you when Nigel and mum would shout and bang things. Putting Thomas the Tank on for him if he was awake or taking him to the park to play, even sat next to him and stroked his hair to give him comfort and love. I think it gave you comfort too. I can see you now shaking with such fear on your face, wondering what escape to use if Stephen woke, your little head must have been working overtime.
Stephen was your world but you have to realise why you are who you are. You shake all the time because you are anxious. It is OK now but because of Nigel I know you are scared of him hitting you and and I am so sorry that I cannot explain why he did this to you. I know he did not like you because you were not his daughter and because you were a girl but it is OK.

It’s not your fault, sometimes people do not like other people and we do not know why. You must remember that your real daddy loved you so, so much very much. That smiley little cheeky bright blonde child, that missed dad so much. Remember what mum told you, he sits on Orion’s belt and there is a star that sits on your shoulder, which is dad protecting and watching over you! Look into the sky and he will be there listening to you and smiling back, sending his love.

When you are ready to write your letter to your younger self it is important you know what you missed as a child. Knowing what was missing enables you to give it. Tell them that it will be OK in the end, tell them you appreciate how strong they were. Tell them that you are who you are now because of what they went through. Good and bad. Regardless of how you feel about yourself right now, there is good there.

Other great homework exercises for codependents are found here

18 Jul 2016

Am I in a toxic relationship?

by | posted in: Abuse, Codependent, Controlling behaviour, Red flags, Toxic relationships | 0

If you have come here asking “am I in a toxic relationship?” the answer is yes.

 

I don’t know how you found this, but you did. If you were asking that question…you are. If you are searching for that question in google, or facebook or anywhere else, you are. No need to panic just yet..hear me out. How do I know without knowing your situation? Read on….

There doesn’t seem to be a definition to pin down. If you used google you will find spirituality blogs, personal blogs and all kind of websites giving you 5-10 signs you’re in a toxic relationship. The problem is because it is a feeling, not anything concrete you can say if this happened you are in a toxic relationship. Toxic patterns are covert and subtle. You are left with a feeling of anxiety and uncertainty and you often have no idea why. You may over think when you need to say something, and worry you are not going to say the right thing. Do you find yourself hiding little bits of the truth for damage limitation?

The harsh truth is if you have any doubt at all, then you are in a toxic relationship. A nice, loving, safe relationship will not evoke those feelings in you. You get the bad feelings when you do not feel safe. That could mean safe to share things, safe to make mistakes and safe to grow as a person. Just because there is no actual violence does not mean this relationship is healthy. Research into violent and abusive relationships has shown that victims view psychological abuse worse than physical.

Having experienced both, I personally believe that you can look at bruises, scars or broken bones and KNOW that is the truth. You can cope with it and deal with it in your own way. Hopefully move on and swear you will never let anyone do that to you again. However, with a toxic relationship you are never quite sure. There is no physical harm. So the reality is you are left with confusion.

In a toxic relationship you never quite know where you stand. The other person may go off their head, or just look at you disapprovingly, at something they think is big, for example – talking to a member of the opposite sex. You get a gauge from their reaction of what they do and don’t expect. After calming the situation and/or talking it through you may think it was all a big misunderstanding. You may be convinced it was all a big misunderstanding. But the reality is very different. You have just got a baseline for their behaviour, and they have got one for yours. Regardless of whether you are a strong independent woman or a big burly man this environment will get a reaction from you, whether you like it or not.

The person you love has just convinced you that their behaviour is dependent on something you did or said, a situation that most likely is not in your control.

A calm balanced person may walk and never look back. But a codependent with a shame based disorder will immediately take it upon themselves and feel bad. We are finely tuned to gobble up their pain, rescue them and make a mental vow not to hurt them again. I mean, for for fucks sake Wendy, why did you talk for so long when you wanted to leave the situation anyway!!!

What this event told your brain is this person can react. When situations are in your control or out of your control. The head fuck starts when a similar thing happens and there is no response. That means the baseline you just got is no longer valid. That means, you no longer know what will cause an uncomfortable reaction. Which then means you begin to tread carefully. The fact you don’t notice until it gets much worse is the worrying factor here.

We are designed with a very helpful fight or flight response…when we are being chased by lions. But, it also kicks in when you feel something is wrong. Welcome anxiety. We are designed to reduce this anxiety, and too right, it’s bloody horrible. The situation above will begin to muster up anxiety. Your body cannot tell the difference between a lion and a telling off. Balanced people can push the problem straight back at the person. Comments like “I don’t think I have done anything wrong” or “do not say/do that to me”. Codependent people will try to ensure that never happens again. Comments like “I’m sorry” and “i understand” are unfortunately usual.

Codependents rescue people from their pain. Codependents have an unreasonable sense of responsibility so being in a toxic relationship is ten times more difficult than ordinary.They will literally apologise for everything. This makes the codependent or love addict super sensitive and super likely to change to accommodate the partners ever changing, ever confusing need.

Being in a toxic relationship slowly eats away at your sense of self. You will find yourself changing to avoid reactions. Used to go to the gym? – don’t need to now you’ve got a partner for life do you? Used to wear make up? – Don’t need to now do you? They fell in love with a person, and they love that person to bits. But yes there are a few things they would rather you not do. No-one has a gun to your head, right? So the changes are down to you. Factually YOU did make the changes. They did not force you, therefore in a crazy way, we can say it was us. But in fact it wasn’t us, we were silently coerced. Victims of this kind of relationship are left with nothing more than anxiety, confusion and low self esteem.

Facts are easy to justify, but feelings are not. It should be the other way around, I make it the other way around. If everybody could just say “I don’t need to explain anything, I just don’t feel good about it” things would be different. People would not need to screw it over in their heads and make sense of it. There is no sense to it. If it feels bad, let go. You wouldn’t hold a rotten apple because at one time it was delicious, would you?

For advice on how to finish a toxic relationship read this post.